I tried until I almost died book review (Blogging for Books)

Disclaimer: This post contains Amazon Affiliate Links.




I read I Tried Until I Almost Died: From Anxiety and Frustration to Rest and Relaxation, in exchange for honest review. The book was written by Sandra McCollum, the daughter of Dave and Joyce Meyer.  I wanted to review this book because my life is filled with anxiety and frustration. Some days, I feel like I am going to have a panic attack, especially when too much is going on. I have to clean, Brad is having his issues, and Kalen wants to climb over me. Toss in the tv blasting and noise from other relatives, and you have the fuse for a full blown burn out from me.

I definitely need some rest and relaxation. Waiting for the kids to go to sleep for rest isn't always good because sometimes you get a groove cleaning or writing, and 15 minutes later, a kid wakes up. yay me.

Less than 2 weeks ago, Kalen had heart surgery, while his brother is finding new ways to commit me into a crazy house.

The book talks about expectations. We have expectations we put upon ourselves, not to mention the ones from others. All these expectations can become overwhelming. For me, I am trying to organize my room, with two kids in tow. I clean better when they are sleep or at school. When I can't get the few things, I want to get done each day, I get frustrated and pissed off at myself. Some days, I give up and play a game on Facebook or Big Fish because working around the kids is too stressful.

You fold clothes, they throw clothes. You vacuum the floor and then they throw a pack of crackers on it. You clean the bathroom and not realize one of them is making a puddle on the floor from playing in the tub. You try to do a video review and have to take a few takes because you have a naked baby show up in a few frames.

This life, I have right now, is not what I had envisioned for anything. I have a goals in mind, but right now is not the right time to do any of them. Just like the author, at times, I hate this life because things are not going according to my plan.

The author said when we are too busy, we can not hear from God. We need to live under grace. We will never be perfect. Our lives will never be perfect.

You can purchase the book using the link above. The book comes in kindle and paperback format. The book is prime-eligible

Never Agitate the Monkeys or an Autistic Child

You know how when you go to zoo, the signs say don't feed the animals. Don't agitate the animals. Or face their wrath.

That's how I feel when it comes to Brad. Don't agitate him because I am left to clean up what mess someone else has caused. The family was all sitting downstairs watching Wife Swap. I went downstairs for a change of pace. Was editing footage for another post and needed to move away from the desk. My bed is filled with things I need to put away since I vacuumed the floor earlier.

Somehow, someway, my niece decided to chase Brad upstairs, which agitated him. No good for me. It was time for his medicine. He was throwing things. He jumped off his sofa part of his bed so hard, the TV cable cut off. He tried to throw my exercise ball. I had to hold him down and told my niece to get his medicine, especially the thorazine, which supposed to calm him down quickly (which it does not). She brought me three of the five medications. I sent her back for the other two. She could not find them. So, we had to switch positions. She held Brad while I went and got the Rispercrap and Clonidine.

Of course, the great-niece wants to get in the way. She got caught in one of Brad's kicks. She is ok. I got hit in the face with a block. Brad tried to bite him self.

I gave Brad his medication, while he is kicking and screaming. Still agitated. I told the niece to run him a bath. Grabbed his Dove Men's and the Lavender Soap. Got him in the tub. washed him down. He wanted out the tub. Dried him off. He put on his Depends. I pulled out his mattress. Gave him his blanket and the TV remote.

He is sleep now but all of this could have been avoided if the 16 year old left the 13 year old alone. The same person, who agitated him, had to help me calm him down. Brad's meltdowns feel like they take forever. Well that was my vent. Have a blessed day.

The ambush

The ambush

scheduled brad's speech therapies back to back today. Did it different this time. Online first, then in-person. Brad sat still for 20 minutes during Shannon's session, which was good. She also did a straight session--no video breaks to get his attention. Door bell rung. Jose came early. 10 minutes. I went back upstairs to finish with Shannon. Brad started acting up, ran downstairs, straight into session 2. Ambushed lol. He also did about 20 good minutes with Jose as well. He ran around the whole downstairs though. I had not gotten to clean the living room yet. I woke up, straight to the tub, got the kids clean, and set up for online speech.


I knew the den was clean. The living room on the other hand---my daddy needs to stop drinking. 2 brandy bottles plus a bottle of MD 40/40. I got all the bottles out the way before Brad ran into the living room. Picked up a lot of blankets and clothes as well, but other than that, Im glad I cleaned the kitchen and washroom last night. I cleaned the living room, but I guess it did not do me any good. Willie C. needs to hurry up and find him a place to stay or go back to his wife. I can't be doing all this cleaning two or more days a week (depending on the therapy schedule). It is getting to be too much. At first, it was cleaning the den only for Kalen's sessions. Now, I have to clean everything since Brad is getting in-person sessions (If only, I can keep my child in one place). With all these adults here, someone should at least help keep the living room clean (and stop all this drinking. It's not good for anyone, especially if you have a decent job at a hospital.).

Now I need to go fix some lunch for the kids. Kalen's therapist is coming at 12:30 (Physical therapy).

Dating

I hate dating, with a passion. but I know that's how you get to know folks more-in-person versus over the phone. The phone don't reveal facial expressions, verbal cues, non-verbal cues, emotions, etc. I am at the point, where I want to date more because I need help with the kids. I need mental and physical support because some days I feel like I am going to snap (but I can't--who will take care of my kids). I am not looking for love or sex or more kids (Thank you God, I am fixed). 

As most of you know, I have a 11 year old Autistic child. I also have a 16 month old child. My 11 year old is mostly non-verbal, not potty trained, slight ADHD, highly active. He means well most of the time, but it also can be frustrating. My 16 month old is developmentally delayed. He can not walk yet or talk yet. He also has fine motor issues. For example, He is still clawing at items to reach for it and shoveling food in his mouth (with both hands). I love both of my kids, but sometimes I want to get away for a few minutes (besides in the bathroom or when they are sleep). My only excitement is church. I love my church, but I miss concerts, plays, events, comedy clubs too. I am lonely--not lonely for a man, but for companionship of friends, hanging out, enjoying themselves. 

Until then, I am a 32 year old, African-American, Chubby, Celibate, Herpian, trying to maintain my sanity (what's left of it) without needing medication. If I break, I don't trust too many people to look after my kiddies. If I break, my kids suffer. If I break................Guess I go get in the shower soon. 

Maternal Notions

I am not naturally maternal. It took me years to learn to like and love my oldest. I had to work hard to like and love my youngest during my pregnancy. I did not have too many maternal role models growing up. My mother was passive and let my grand mother do the raising and discipline, though we lived in the same house. I fear and respect my grandmother for her leadership, even though I did not appreciate it until after she died. She was worst than I was. She fussed, she cussed, she disciplined. and she blamed others for her mistakes. I remember once she accused me of stealing her jewelry. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. I don't care too much for jewelry. I never stole anything from her in my life (to my recollection). I fussed at her because I did not do it. Might not been the best move, but she was wrong. She eventually found her jewelry in the spot she left it in. No apology. She was silent. I never understood some of her actions when she was diagnosed with cancer. She quit her job, with good insurance BEFORE the chemotherapy began. I think she quit the same week she was diagnosed. I felt she should have worked until she could not work anymore. Cancer treatments are expensive and her diagnosis was not a preexisting condition. I think she was diagnosed in 1997 or 1998. Trying to get insurance after diagnosis is hard. Mama Areletha died the day before Brad was born (November 8, 2000 and Brad was born November 9, 2000).

I feared and respected my great-grandmother for her leadership and punctuality. She was never late to an appointment and I try not to be either. She died in 2000, while I was 4 months pregnant with Brad.  I do not fear my mother. She does not have excellent leadership. She never disciplined us. She is more like a sister or aunt, rather than a mother. I do have resentment towards her because she never stood up for her oldest kid (me), while other relatives picked on her. If you don't try and protect your kids, when others do them wrong, my mind can not process that. I am not the best mother in the world. I still have a lot of issues to work on, but I hope my kids do not feel about me, like I feel about these people I am related too. I just don't have a lot of love or respect for most of my biological family.  If I die today, send my kids to their father. I don't even trust them to watch, protect, and love my kids.

Why?

My oldest is autistic. My family does not treat him well. They blame him for everything that breaks, that ends up missing, etc. Some members have told me that they can not wait for Brad to go back to his daddy for the summer. My child grew up in Georgia, raised by me and his father and his father's family. He is not used to my side of the family. It has only been less than a year since Brad has been here and I don't feel my family is more accepting of special needs. My mother would not even accept my gift of a "proud grandma of an autistic boy" license plate cover. My uncle Eugene thinks autism can be cured with a belt and all his issues is not mental. No one has even offered to keep Brad for the night or day. He is not potty trained. He breaks things. He has melt downs and temper tantrums. They all seem to show favoritism towards the baby. Either you keep both or keep none. Not going to have Brad wondering why his brother went to an aunt, uncle, cousin house and he was not. I want him to feel welcomed where ever he goes and so far I am not getting that. Can't wait till I get my own place. He will always be welcome there. I don't want to die and have Brad here, and they treat the baby 100x better than his oldest brother because Kalen 'normal'. On the other hand, what if Kalen has a learning disability/disorder because autism may be genetic. I definitely do not want my children to suffer at my family's hands.

On the other hand, even though Kalen and Brad have the same father, Brad Sr. do not claim Kalen. I don't want Kalen going to his father, only to be treated badly. Whether my kids are with my family or my ex's family, I don't want them to be treated unfairly. I also don't want them separated (one child in one state and another child in a different state). I want the brothers to grow up and be raised together.

Morning Frustration

Found me a good church a few weeks back. Has a good special ed program. Nursery. But church van is starting to irk me. First visit. My mother took me and picked me up. Next visit church van. Called and confirmed pick up time. Last week no call no show. Same this week. What's the point of calling for
transportation if no one going show up?


My mother decided to take me to church real quick. The church will provide a way back home, if someone needs one. On the way to church, my mother saw a church van and decided to follow the van to see if it was meant for our house. Keep in mind, the church 10 minutes away and I am almost late. Each van has a list of passengers for pick-up. Instead of honking to determine, she decided to follow the van. The van was meant for my house, (Thank you Jesus). And she did follow it all the way back home. I was very very frustrated at this point. A) No confirmation call from the church. B) Mother said she would take me, but then turned around. C) I hate being late anywhere. I have to walk to the nursery. Sign the kids in. Then Go to church. D) I missed last week because the bus did not show up and it may show signs of a future pattern. 


Anyway, the bus driver was very understanding. He did not know why no one showed up last week. He said he will be my regular driver for this neighborhood. He gave me a time frame for future pick-ups. I got into the church finally, the choir was singing. and then the solo artist (George Something) sung one of my favorite songs (Smokey's Norful's I need you now). The song made me cry and filled my spirit. Not everything will go according to plan or routine. Life has its deviations along the way, but I can not let it frustrate me all the time.