Maternal Notions

I am not naturally maternal. It took me years to learn to like and love my oldest. I had to work hard to like and love my youngest during my pregnancy. I did not have too many maternal role models growing up. My mother was passive and let my grand mother do the raising and discipline, though we lived in the same house. I fear and respect my grandmother for her leadership, even though I did not appreciate it until after she died. She was worst than I was. She fussed, she cussed, she disciplined. and she blamed others for her mistakes. I remember once she accused me of stealing her jewelry. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. I don't care too much for jewelry. I never stole anything from her in my life (to my recollection). I fussed at her because I did not do it. Might not been the best move, but she was wrong. She eventually found her jewelry in the spot she left it in. No apology. She was silent. I never understood some of her actions when she was diagnosed with cancer. She quit her job, with good insurance BEFORE the chemotherapy began. I think she quit the same week she was diagnosed. I felt she should have worked until she could not work anymore. Cancer treatments are expensive and her diagnosis was not a preexisting condition. I think she was diagnosed in 1997 or 1998. Trying to get insurance after diagnosis is hard. Mama Areletha died the day before Brad was born (November 8, 2000 and Brad was born November 9, 2000).

I feared and respected my great-grandmother for her leadership and punctuality. She was never late to an appointment and I try not to be either. She died in 2000, while I was 4 months pregnant with Brad.  I do not fear my mother. She does not have excellent leadership. She never disciplined us. She is more like a sister or aunt, rather than a mother. I do have resentment towards her because she never stood up for her oldest kid (me), while other relatives picked on her. If you don't try and protect your kids, when others do them wrong, my mind can not process that. I am not the best mother in the world. I still have a lot of issues to work on, but I hope my kids do not feel about me, like I feel about these people I am related too. I just don't have a lot of love or respect for most of my biological family.  If I die today, send my kids to their father. I don't even trust them to watch, protect, and love my kids.

Why?

My oldest is autistic. My family does not treat him well. They blame him for everything that breaks, that ends up missing, etc. Some members have told me that they can not wait for Brad to go back to his daddy for the summer. My child grew up in Georgia, raised by me and his father and his father's family. He is not used to my side of the family. It has only been less than a year since Brad has been here and I don't feel my family is more accepting of special needs. My mother would not even accept my gift of a "proud grandma of an autistic boy" license plate cover. My uncle Eugene thinks autism can be cured with a belt and all his issues is not mental. No one has even offered to keep Brad for the night or day. He is not potty trained. He breaks things. He has melt downs and temper tantrums. They all seem to show favoritism towards the baby. Either you keep both or keep none. Not going to have Brad wondering why his brother went to an aunt, uncle, cousin house and he was not. I want him to feel welcomed where ever he goes and so far I am not getting that. Can't wait till I get my own place. He will always be welcome there. I don't want to die and have Brad here, and they treat the baby 100x better than his oldest brother because Kalen 'normal'. On the other hand, what if Kalen has a learning disability/disorder because autism may be genetic. I definitely do not want my children to suffer at my family's hands.

On the other hand, even though Kalen and Brad have the same father, Brad Sr. do not claim Kalen. I don't want Kalen going to his father, only to be treated badly. Whether my kids are with my family or my ex's family, I don't want them to be treated unfairly. I also don't want them separated (one child in one state and another child in a different state). I want the brothers to grow up and be raised together.