The X Book review

I read The X, in exchange for review from Tomoson. The book was written by Lorena Bathey and published by Lorena B Books. 

The book was about a mother, who fights to save her children. The beginning scenes were a little confusing (prologue) but got better as you  moved into the book.

In the beginning, Clarissa is married with two kids. Clarrissa and Ben was married 20 years. Everything appears to be perfect and then, she gets hit with divorce papers. The marriage was having problems. Ben (husband) is acting differently. She does not know what's going on. Her husband gets the kids. She moves out, but not before she causes a little destruction. She moves into a friend's guest house, but

wants to get her kids back. The husband also starts turning the kids against her. She calls daily, but with little to no responses. Eventually, she  hires a private detective to find her kids and figure out what is going on with her ex-husband. Ben is involved in something big (read the book to find out more) and needed the kids to help execute the plan. Ben is under investigation by the government (read the book to find out why) The kids even got bodyguards. As Clarissa continues to search for her kids, her ex finds out--and sends in his goons to help scare her back into submission. Clarissa has to move around to keep the goons off her tracks. She does try to get her kids back during one scene, but it fails badly. The ending scenes are good. Brice (the PI) takes her to a store. Clarrisa goes in alone, but never comes out. This leads to some climatic, dramatic, intense scenes, which goes all the way to the end of the book.

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I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Farfalla: a story of loss and hope by Vanita Oelschlager

http://www.vanitabooks.com/

I read Farfalla, in exchange for review from Netgalley.Com. The book was written by Vanita Oelschlager and published by Vanita Books. First, I loved the graphics. They was amazing. The book tells the story of Little Beetle and the caterpillars. Little beetle plays with the caterpillars over the summer. One day, little Beetle notices the caterpillars are gone and misses his friends. His mother tells him about how caterpillars change. Towards the end, there was one cocoon left, and the little beetle names the butterfly Farfalla. The rest is for you to read.

The words were a little advanced for my boys, but I loved reading the book for myself. The book is a great read.

Dating

I hate dating, with a passion. but I know that's how you get to know folks more-in-person versus over the phone. The phone don't reveal facial expressions, verbal cues, non-verbal cues, emotions, etc. I am at the point, where I want to date more because I need help with the kids. I need mental and physical support because some days I feel like I am going to snap (but I can't--who will take care of my kids). I am not looking for love or sex or more kids (Thank you God, I am fixed). 

As most of you know, I have a 11 year old Autistic child. I also have a 16 month old child. My 11 year old is mostly non-verbal, not potty trained, slight ADHD, highly active. He means well most of the time, but it also can be frustrating. My 16 month old is developmentally delayed. He can not walk yet or talk yet. He also has fine motor issues. For example, He is still clawing at items to reach for it and shoveling food in his mouth (with both hands). I love both of my kids, but sometimes I want to get away for a few minutes (besides in the bathroom or when they are sleep). My only excitement is church. I love my church, but I miss concerts, plays, events, comedy clubs too. I am lonely--not lonely for a man, but for companionship of friends, hanging out, enjoying themselves. 

Until then, I am a 32 year old, African-American, Chubby, Celibate, Herpian, trying to maintain my sanity (what's left of it) without needing medication. If I break, I don't trust too many people to look after my kiddies. If I break, my kids suffer. If I break................Guess I go get in the shower soon. 

Craving discipline

Children crave discipline. I do wish I disciplined my oldest more when he was younger. Not sure what the best method is for special needs kids, but I could have researched more. I was working 60 plus hours and going to school 6 days a week, and my child did not get all the attention or discipline he deserved. I was not even sure if I loved or liked him then. Not naturally maternal (that blog coming later), but I realized later on I do love him and like him and wish I did more for him earlier. Working all the time and going to school all the time is not always worth the expense of your kids. Withholding discipline is one reason I do not 100% respect my mother. She let my grandmother do the disciplining and that she did. My granny used belts, switches, extension cords, etc. I learned to do what she say, when she said it, how she said it, most of the time.

Fast forward years later and my sisters and I are over 30 or almost 30. We definitely needed a level of discipline from our parents. The respect is not there. Watching my mother try and discipline us now or our kids is straight hilarious. As I am getting older, I know children need a strong, solid foundation. A weak foundation will crumble and fall apart. Allowing other parents to do your job will affect your kids later.

Maternal Notions

I am not naturally maternal. It took me years to learn to like and love my oldest. I had to work hard to like and love my youngest during my pregnancy. I did not have too many maternal role models growing up. My mother was passive and let my grand mother do the raising and discipline, though we lived in the same house. I fear and respect my grandmother for her leadership, even though I did not appreciate it until after she died. She was worst than I was. She fussed, she cussed, she disciplined. and she blamed others for her mistakes. I remember once she accused me of stealing her jewelry. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. I don't care too much for jewelry. I never stole anything from her in my life (to my recollection). I fussed at her because I did not do it. Might not been the best move, but she was wrong. She eventually found her jewelry in the spot she left it in. No apology. She was silent. I never understood some of her actions when she was diagnosed with cancer. She quit her job, with good insurance BEFORE the chemotherapy began. I think she quit the same week she was diagnosed. I felt she should have worked until she could not work anymore. Cancer treatments are expensive and her diagnosis was not a preexisting condition. I think she was diagnosed in 1997 or 1998. Trying to get insurance after diagnosis is hard. Mama Areletha died the day before Brad was born (November 8, 2000 and Brad was born November 9, 2000).

I feared and respected my great-grandmother for her leadership and punctuality. She was never late to an appointment and I try not to be either. She died in 2000, while I was 4 months pregnant with Brad.  I do not fear my mother. She does not have excellent leadership. She never disciplined us. She is more like a sister or aunt, rather than a mother. I do have resentment towards her because she never stood up for her oldest kid (me), while other relatives picked on her. If you don't try and protect your kids, when others do them wrong, my mind can not process that. I am not the best mother in the world. I still have a lot of issues to work on, but I hope my kids do not feel about me, like I feel about these people I am related too. I just don't have a lot of love or respect for most of my biological family.  If I die today, send my kids to their father. I don't even trust them to watch, protect, and love my kids.

Why?

My oldest is autistic. My family does not treat him well. They blame him for everything that breaks, that ends up missing, etc. Some members have told me that they can not wait for Brad to go back to his daddy for the summer. My child grew up in Georgia, raised by me and his father and his father's family. He is not used to my side of the family. It has only been less than a year since Brad has been here and I don't feel my family is more accepting of special needs. My mother would not even accept my gift of a "proud grandma of an autistic boy" license plate cover. My uncle Eugene thinks autism can be cured with a belt and all his issues is not mental. No one has even offered to keep Brad for the night or day. He is not potty trained. He breaks things. He has melt downs and temper tantrums. They all seem to show favoritism towards the baby. Either you keep both or keep none. Not going to have Brad wondering why his brother went to an aunt, uncle, cousin house and he was not. I want him to feel welcomed where ever he goes and so far I am not getting that. Can't wait till I get my own place. He will always be welcome there. I don't want to die and have Brad here, and they treat the baby 100x better than his oldest brother because Kalen 'normal'. On the other hand, what if Kalen has a learning disability/disorder because autism may be genetic. I definitely do not want my children to suffer at my family's hands.

On the other hand, even though Kalen and Brad have the same father, Brad Sr. do not claim Kalen. I don't want Kalen going to his father, only to be treated badly. Whether my kids are with my family or my ex's family, I don't want them to be treated unfairly. I also don't want them separated (one child in one state and another child in a different state). I want the brothers to grow up and be raised together.

Random Thoughts

I am not big on biological family, except my sons and my mother (sometimes). One thing I do not get is how people can treat you bad or exclude you growing up but expect you to accept later on in life. I don't know how to move from you picking on me because I was fat, not feminine enough, not having sex, not pretty enough, too smart, etc to let's spend time together, let's talk, give me a hug. My mind does not know how to process that mentally. and I will tell these heathens so-what is on my mind, whether or not they like it or not. and they sit there passively, talking about me behind my back, and I know this because my family can not keep anything to themselves.

I have cussed and fussed at all these relatives of mine. If it don't make sense or stupid, I will say so. Today, I Cussed out my uncle because he was smoking in the house. I have a pregnant niece. In the house, the vent system sucks. Every smell travels up. So if you smoke weed or cigarettes or burn something, the whole house will smell it. The fight lead to a full blow out and my mother did not do squat but let us argue.

That is the one thing, which irks me about my mother-her passiveness. She just stands in the sidelines watching drama but don't step in, even if it concerns her. My sister has taken plenty of money out my mother's bank account without her permission. Instead of changing her bank account number or card numbers, she does nothing but tell my sister the account bounced. She has let relatives talk about her kids and grandkids and did not say anything. I just want her to stand up, say something, show an aggressive side. Let me know she cares or loves or concerned. Do something.