Sex and the Single Christian Girl by Marian Jordan Ellis (Bethany House)

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I read Sex and the Single Christian Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-Com World in exchange for review from Bethany House. The book was written by Marian Jordan Ellis and published by Bethany House.

I wanted to review the book because I have been celibate for over 3 years. The book's description sounded good and I could not pass it up.

The book discusses how to maintain your purity in a rom-com (romantic comedy) world. In a romantic comedy, you have a girl, who likes a guy or vice versa. He may not be interested right away. At the end of the movie, the couple somehow ends up together. On page 11, Ellis said:

In a romantic comedy, everything wraps up in a beautiful little package in an hour and thirty minutes. but real life doesn't work that way. For one thing, there are never negative consequences for sex outside of marriage. In a rom-com world, everyone is happy, STD free, and blissfully strolling off into the sunset. 

Not to mention, in some rom-coms, the couple has hot, passionate sex before marriage. The audience cheers and cries for the couple, despite the couple has went against God's word. In church, the other week, the pastor discussed the television show, Scandal. He said people cheer for the mistress and the president to be together, while ignoring the president is married. Ellis also said on page. 13, that " we become desensitized to the immorality that has been wrapped up in a beautifully soft-lensed package."

Maintaining sexual purity or celibacy is hard enough without falling in love with the characters in a movie or a romance book.

The book was a good read. Now, I just need a kindle version for my Fire.

Clean by Douglass Weiss

I read Clean A proven plan for men committed to sexual integrity, in exchange for honest review by Douglas Weiss. The book was published by Thomas Nelson.  I chose this book because, even though I am not a man, I can still find some insight to apply to my celibacy.When I noticed the book on Booksneeze, I had to have it.

Some of the highlights from the book:

• Many church leaders fall to temptation themselves, and the ones who do stay pure are often at a loss as to how to help those struggling (p. xvi).  (note: I wish my church offered something on purity and celibacy to adults, instead of just to kids. I have asked, but no program exists yet. I am not even sure who to ask to get an accountability partner, without revealing too much of my past). 
• Internal transformation requires work (p. xvi). 
• Pages 6 to 9 discusses the prevalence of pornography using statistics. That section was mind-blowing. Porn is a billion dollar industry. Some internet porn is worth millions and billions. America is the top producer of DVD porn. 
• Both men and women watch porn. Children, who watch porn, face detrimental effects, which include emotional trauma; reduced marriages; exposure to incorrect information about human sexuality, and increased risk of sexual compulsions. 
• There is a direct connection between your sexual behavior and your destiny in Christ (p. 21). Our level of sexual purity will determine how useful and effective we are. 

• Getting one taste of something can lead to wanting more (p. 32). If you think you can control lust, then you are deceived (p. 33).
  
• When God has to discipline someone because of a hardened heart, things can go wrong for them (p. 35). The book gave the story of Terry, who printed off internet porn at work. The printer stopped working temporarily. Once it started printing, IT was called. They traced the problem to Terry. Terry got fired and his wife later divorced him. (p. 36). Paul was making a phone call to set up some sex, but did not realize his wife was on the other line. Stan was blackmailed by his mistress, while Marc was sued for sexual harassment.
  
• God provides you weapons to deal with the enemy (p. 47). Some weapons include the fear of God, wisdom, and the word of God. The limitation of the weapons is that they can only go in one direction at a time (either facing the enemy or facing those you love. )
  
• Lust is wrong. Lust can produce fruit and it can lead to death. The first stage of sin is lust. (p. 49). Sin is the evidence the seed has grown (p. 49). Sin also can be fertilized with repeat behavior (p. 50).
  
• You have to be willing to become clean. You need the right protection, armor, and a plan to become clean (p. 58 to 59). You also need to be honest and accountable (p. 61). You also need a consequence set-up, if you do fall prey to sexual sin (p. 62).
  
  
  
  
  Sexual immorality does not just affect you, but everyone else around you. Job, family, kids, social life, etc. I did not realize this until years and years later. If I stayed out late, someone would have to wake up to let me in (since I never had my own place). I had to work hard to hide toys and my porn addiction. Hiding the laptop under covers and plugging the ear phones in, for example. I sought out pleasure before relationships. Pleasure also caused me to think lust was love. I been addicted a few times. I wanted to date some of these men, not for their brains and long-term potential, but for their body parts (and what the body parts could do). Sexual immorality definitely distorted relationships. I heard rumors of people not liking me because I was too sexual, but at the same time, the person, who told me about the rumor, wanted to have sex with me. Sex defined how I treated people of the opposite sex. If you wanted to date me, then I would not have sex with you. If you wanted sex, then it was mostly a one-night stand. Had no interest in repeat sex partners, unless they met a few standards.
  
  I loved this book and definitely recommend it to men and women. 

Bare Naked Truth Book Review, Facebook Party, and Giveaway

I read the Bare Naked Truth, in exchange for review from Litfuse. The book is written by Bekah Hamrick Martin and published by Zondervan.

My review:
I chose this book because it focuses on purity, waiting, and abiding by God's plan for sex. It is also National Celibacy Month. Yay.  I downloaded this book to the kindle as soon as I got it. I also downloaded a copy for Adobe Digital Editions. I did not expect my laptop to not charge anymore (need a repair person). When I went to get another copy a week or two ago, it was already archived on Netgalley. So, I had to hunt down the book on the Kindle. Could not find the book. Went to Amazon. The book was in my Kindle files, but Mrs. Kindle kept freezing up when I tried to search for it. Went to kindle for pc. kept freezing as well.  Either way, the book was in one of two folders, I hoped. Netgalley or Litfuse. It was not in Litfuse, which meant it was in Netgalley. Over 200 books in Netgalley. I found the book. Yay. I definitely want a paperback now.

I been reading and reviewing more books on purity lately. Currently reading another one for review from another company.

Tempted, Tested, True by Arnie Cole and Michael Ross

1. What are you waiting for by Dannah Gresh
2. Dating and the single parent
3. When the roof caves in

I have not had sex since 2010, so this book was perfect for me. I started having sex at 18. My family did not talk to me about sex. Sex was taboo. Everything I learned at first was through experience. Later on through erotica, porn, and other people.  I did not truly know the effects of sex until later on in life. Sex is more than a physical connection, it is also emotional. Sex can cause problems. Had sex with two people before meeting the soon-to-be-ex husband (#3). Very limited sexual experience.  Had sex with him only from 1999 to 2005. In 2005, I cheated on him. Felt bad at first (more bad) because I never thought I would cheat. But He was also cheating as well. In 2004, I was diagnosed with Genital Herpes. Yay me. He was the only one I been sleeping with. Anyway, Fast forward, sex with him was routine and monotonous, but I didn't know how to communicate what I needed and wanted. When I cheated, it started a sexual revolution for me. It also started an addiction. I wanted sex and more of it.

The book provides an open and honest approach to purity, according to God.  The book focuses on the benefits of waiting, masturbation, disadvantages to waiting , and my favorite: getting all the information before making a decision. The author talked about how after 9/11, she was flying on a plane. Someone dropped a phone, a commotion ensued. The author didn't have all the information and ducked under her seat.

Another thing, which stood out, was the disadvantages of having multiple partners:

1. Losing your ability to bond with your future spouse
2. Sexual baggage can cause fear and distrust
3. Increases risk of divorce
4. Increase Emotional problems

Information about the book: (copied from litfuse)
The Truth About Sex and Waiting . . . Uncovered Purity.

Sex. Boys. Waiting. There's something about those words that makes everything complex in a heartbeat, and raises more questions than answers. Is there something wrong with me if I don't kiss a boy after a date? Or am I doomed if I DID? What if waiting is just a one-way trip to life as a crazy cat woman? And what if I tend to, um, think about a certain boy in a certain way? It seems that the lady at church and your friends have two very different opinions on the subject. And 'Your Budding Womanhood: Staying a Beautiful Flower for Jesus' just isn't cutting it. Bekah Hamrick Martin knows the waiting game isn't easy or straight-forward. In The Bare NakedTruth, she lays everything on the table---including some embarrassing moments---as she explores the honest,naked truth behind what God means by purity. With additional entries from popular authors, you'll see thebare naked approach to waiting isn't always easy, but it's worth the risk.

Information about the author: (Copied from litfuse)

Bekah Hamrick Martin was born in Savannah, Georgia, in an event which her brother keeps reminding her was completely unnecessary. She spent the better part of her high school years vacationing on the north end of her mattress due to an illness, where she developed a deep taste for chocolate and sarcasm. Today Bekah shares with teens about tough times, healing, and surviving their high school years---no matter where they spend them. Learn more about Bekah on her website:http://misswritebrained.wordpress.com/

Facebook Party and Giveaway
Debut Author Bekah Hamrick Martin is celebrating the release of her book, The Bare Naked Truth, with a $150 Visa Cash Card giveaway and "Bare Naked Truth" Facebook party! Save the date for 6/20!

 One winner will receive:

• A $150 Visa Cash Card
• Five copies of The Bare Naked Truth by Bekah Hamrick Martin
  
• A live Skype small group chat with Bekah

Enter today by clicking one of the icons below. But hurry, the giveaway ends on June 19th. Winner will be announced at the "Bare Naked Truth" Facebook Author Chat Party on June 20th. Connect with Bekah for an evening of frank and encouraging chat, trivia, laughter, and more! Bekah will also be giving away books and other fun prizes throughout the evening.

So grab your copy of The Bare Naked Truth and join Bekah on the evening of June 20th for a chance to connect and make some new friends. (If you haven't read the book, don't let that stop you from coming!)

Don't miss a moment of the fun; RSVP today. Tell your friends via FACEBOOK or TWITTER and increase your chances of winning. Hope to see you on the 20th!

What are you waiting for

I am currently reading, What are you waiting for by Dannah Gresh.. I read one of her other books, prior to this and I loved it. I chose the book because it focuses on celibacy, purity, and God's design for sex.  I bought the book from Amazon last week (paperback). The paperback was on sale and cheaper than the Kindle (way cheaper 4.99). The price is back to 8.98 now. Kindle is 7.99.

The book is not for the meek, the shy, the closed minded. Gresh talks openly about sex and sex-related issues. Gresh discusses porn, masturbation, homosexuality, friends with benefits, and finding love. All of this was written from a Christian perspective. I am trying to read more books about sexuality from a Christian perspective. So much information is out there, but I want to know what God says.

The author starts out discussing her marriage--from dating to the proposal. Dannah also discussed how her old boss encouraged her to have sex and even wanted to buy condoms. She discusses how she felt conflicted between sexual freedom and sexual purity. One side says to indulge in sex and the other side says indulge in God. The battle between the spirit and flesh is a tough one. Sure, I think about sex, but I am not trying to rush back into having sex. Celibacy is hard, but it's where I need to be right now.

Dannah also discusses sex in the bible. Yada is the Hebrew word for sex. Not just any sex, "to know, to be known, to be deeply respected" (p. 17). Yada is intimate sex with someone, who truly knows you (like a husband). Yada adds a level of emotional intimacy to sex. No secrets, and nothing is held back (p. 24). Mind-body-soul connection. Yada is used more than 900 times in the Hebrew Bible. Yada does not only apply to sex, but it applies to a relationship with God. God wants to be known and respected. He wants us to seek him and follow after him with a pure heart. He does not want us to fall for counterfeit love (p. 27)

On the other hand, Shakab means sexual intercourse. Shakab is frequently used with Sikba, which means emission (p. 30). Shakab also means exchange of fluids. This is a form of counterfeit love. Having sex with someone to simply exchange fluids. This is the dirty, disgusting, yucky, awkward, shameful types of sex (p. 31). I had a lot of this type of sex and very little (or none) Yada sex. 

Finally, I started reading the chapter on Masturbation first. This was the main reason I bought the book. The bible does not offer direct teaching on masturbation (p. 72). The bible tells us not to commit adultery, which is a sin. If you look after another with lust in your heart, you are committing adultery. This may involve pornography or staring at half-naked people online (I have left groups on Facebook because of the half-naked, tempting men photos). Masturbation can also hinder our relationship with God and people. It can become addictive (which was true for me). It also may cause shame. It also can affect future relationships, such as it can rob your future husbands (or husbands) ability to please you (p. 78). The book also discusses getting an accountability partner to help you with purity, celibacy , masturbation ,and other sexual issues.

Have not finished the book yet, but will post more on things, which can help others, was well as myself on both blogs (Perfect Chaos and Celibacy Diaries).

How to avoid having sex

I reviewed How to Avoid Having Sex, in exchange for review from LibraryThing's Early Reviewers Program. The book was written by E.C. Stilson. I received my copy earlier today and finished it about 10 minutes ago (8:14 pm now). I selected the book from the March selections because A) I am celibate and needed a good laugh B) I used to be married and had my own excuses for not having sex. Some of my excuses was in the book. A few days ago, I was looking on Amazon for books on celibacy and abstinence. Stilson's book popped up in the search. I added the book to my wish list. Then, a few minutes later, I got the email from LT, saying I won the book. Yay me. I was patiently awaiting the book's arrival in my inbox. I got the book today and started reading it.

This was an amazing quick read. The book is about excuses, to avoid having sex with your spouse. Some of them worked. Some of them backfired on her, when the husband tried them too. Some of them included headaches, cycles, dead animals, company, and the kids may hear us. The author, not only provided excuses, but the stories behind the excuses. The book was hilarious. The book is available on Kindle  (.99) and paperback (8.99) on Amazon.

Throw away the toys

I am celibate, but I still struggle with sexual thoughts and the occasional pleasure session. I been taking a purity course (way of purity), which is for pornography addiction/sex addiction. I was a sex addict. I was a toy addict. I was a self pleasure addict. The course is taught from a Christian perspective I havent watched porn in a minute, but I want to finish the course. One of the lessons discusses removing things, which will hinder your progress. Delete the phone numbers, block certain websites, throw away anything which will set you back. I have sex toys. I havent used them in a long, long time, but I hate to toss them out. The toys cost me money, well not my actual money. Most of the toys were funded by my former job as a web cam girl. Some of these toys cost between 20 to 40 or more bucks. I am no longer a web cam girl. I no longer have sex. I still hate to throw away the toys.

My rationalization: if i toss the toys, i still have fingers. either way, if i want to do something, i can without having sex. But i need to toss the toys (after removing the batteries, just in case they are still good), in order to move forward in my faith and celibacy progress.

Why I should toss them:
1. part of my old life as a sex addict
2. move forward in Christian fath
3. Part of my old life as a web cam girl
4. I didn't actually have to use my 'real' money to pay for them.
5. represents addiction/addicktion

Why am I holding on to them:
1. good condition. works.
2. still got fingers.
3. cost a lot of money (even though I never saw the money).
4. dont feel like digging for them, out of hiding, to toss them out.
5. laziness.

So I went to the closet, pulled out the rubber maid, found the bag, found some things I forgot I had, and realized this was not the whole collection. Tossed away what I had and hopefully I remember where the rest is. Besides, I dont use them anyway (another rationalization). Yet, I still wanted to hold on to them. Time to let them go. Giving up the old life for a new life.

Adventures in Celibacy

Stacie D. Wyatt

Come on over to my side

Come on over to my side was the message preached in church on Sunday. I attend Fallbrook Church, pastored by Mike Pender. During each message, I think of ways I can apply the sermon to my life. Come on over to my side applied to my celibacy journey.

The pastor discussed how people don't want to make sacrifices for their walk. People still want to party, drink, have sex. Basically, lead a hedonistic lifestyle. Our lives are filled with unlimited indulgence, which takes priority over God. Yet, our fleshly cravings are temporal, meaningless. We are still lonely, empty, and our hearts may be hardened.

Sex used to be satisfying to me, but I developed an addiction for more. More men, more toys, more masturbation, more toys. I wanted more and I got more. The more I got, the less emotions I put towards me. I didn't care about them, no more than they cared about me. Sex was a short-time pleasure. I had more one-night stands than repeats. I didnt care about them-men was just a penis to me. Yet I was still lonely, still empty inside. My heart hardened more towards men folks (and I still have issues, I am working out.)

The pastor discussed how fun was fleeting, temporary. If we live our lives for fun, we will have trouble. We can not depend on fun to be satisfied in the Lord. Nothing will bring us happiness, like God can. If we give ourselves to want and pleasure, it causes death, even while living. I was dead inside. I cared more about the next orgasm, the next toy, the next penis, than I did the man.

People are exhausted. We use temporary pleasures to relieve pain, but the pain is still there. I had sex for fun, for pleasure, for attention, for a place to stay, for money, for love, to relieve boredom, etc. but all that sex with all those men was not good for me in the long run. It hurts to think about my sex count or some of the bad experiences. For example, I used to stay in the projects. After 11 pm, the family I was staying with, locked the screen doors. If I was not coming home from work or school, I sometimes could not get in the house. Anyway, this dude wanted to have sex. I said yes. Told him, I would have to spend the night because I may not get back in my house. He said cool. Turns out, he had to go to work at 3 am. I had to wait in the dark, at the nearest train station, from 3 something to 445, to catch a train to get home. I was scared and I deleted his number. Situations like this made me despise men, in general more (not all men, just some). Yet, i started having sex more during the mornings and afternoons, instead of nites. Nights were reserved for long-time repeat fucks, who wouldnt try to leave me stranded or in similar situations. Men, I trusted more. I was a mess.

Currently, I have been celibate for almost 2 years. I have not watched porn in almost a year. I still struggle with sexual thoughts and masturbation (but not as much as I used to ). I am also taking a purity course for porn addiction. I want to be better, get better, and grow in the Lord.

Uriah and Loyalty Part II

Pastor Pender discussed Uriah and Loyalty again this Sunday. Uriah had to explain his loyalty, was tested for his loyalty, and was exploited for his loyalty. First, Uriah had to explain his loyalty to God to a king, who backslid. David liked to party, drink, and have sex. He did not understand where Uriah was currently at. David did not understand why after a battle, Uriah did not want to go home to his wife. Loyalty to something can cause others to feel uncomfortable and out of their element. Sometimes when you are loyal to something, like celibacy or a marriage, loyalty can bring out the worst in people. People may not like you any more. People may see you as problem because you deviated from their norm. People want you to do what they are doing.

Next, Uriah was tested. David asked Uriah to stay for two days and then he will release his soldier from something. David invited Uriah to some party, where Uriah had plenty of food and drink. David may have tried to get Uriah drunk to impose his will on Uriah. Uriah still did not go home. He still was dedicated to God. Uriah was a better man drunk than David was sober (Pastor Pender). David tested Uriah so that Uriah will fail. Sometimes people will invite you to partake of something, not because they care, but so they can tell everyone you failed and ruin your testimony.

Finally, Uriah was exploited. David took advantage of Uriah's loyalty. Uriah's loyalty cost him his life. Some people look to pray on others. There are manipulative, deceptive people everywhere.

I don't know where you are in your celibacy journey. I don't know what caused you to take this path. You will have to explain to some people why you are celibate. You will be tested for your beliefs. All sorts of heathens, former sex buddies, wannabe sex buddies will come out of the woodwork. You may have to change your behaviors, attitudes, and approaches to the opposite sex. You may have to delete some phone numbers; delete some pics (others and yours); avoid particular settings; avoid particular conversations; disable/deactivate some websites, and yes avoid some people. But first, you need to know why you chose celibacy. Knowing the reasons why, Knowing your purpose, will keep you more focused. Know your purpose and the rationale and write it down (whether in your phone, in a tablet, in Google Docs, in word). Coming into celibacy is not an easy journey and if you need more support, let me know.

Stacie D. Wyatt
wyattstacie@gmail.com

Uriah and Loyalty

I wrote this piece two weeks ago for a different forum. Now I am posting it here. I started attending FallBrook Church four weeks ago. The church is wonderful. The pastor is a man of God. The messages so far have been truly uplifting. I have been celibate since 2010 for personal reasons. On the internet, there are a lot of forums, groups, websites, where sex is the primary focus. When sex is not your primary focus, not everyone will understand what you are doing because you are moving from the norm. This is encouragement for the celibate folks. Part 2 is coming soon.

May 6, 2012

In church today, the message was on Uriah’s loyalty to God. Uriah was the husband of Bathsheba and was killed in Battle. David was having an affair with Ms. Bathsheba. The pastor discussed how Uriah postponed having pleasure with his wife to serve the Lord. David wanted Uriah to go home, after returning from the field, to lie with his wife, but Uriah obeyed the Lord instead. At that time, David was controlled by sex, pleasure, drinking, and partying. David did not understand Uriah and what Uriah was trying to do. What controls you, consumes you. Sex used to control me. I had little to no moderation. If I went two weeks without sex, I would have withdrawal symptoms. I was cranky, very cranky. I would sleep with whoever just to break the cycle. Now I am almost 2 years into being Celibate. Not everyone will understand the reasons why you chose this lifestyle. You may needed peace of mind; maybe having sex conflicted with your religion; maybe you simply needed a break. People will not understand because sex is one of their primary focuses. The enemy, whoever it may be, will gnaw at you, reminding you of what you used to be or used to do. You may get a text or phone call at 2 a.m. from Him or Her. Him or Her may want to reminisce about the days of old, causing you a weak moment. You may have to let folks go to continue on this journey. If every time he or she contacts you and wants to discuss sex, maybe your relationship needs reconsideration. You do not need exposure to something, which contradicts your current purpose (even if you have to give up porn, erotica, and yes, self-pleasure). This journey of celibacy is a hard journey, with plenty of rocks, mountains, cliffs, forks to cause a quick detour. And if you slip, dust yourself off, and get back up again.   As previously stated, sometimes you have to postpone instantaneous pleasure to obtain what you need mentally and physically, to elevate yourself to the next level.

Stacie D. Wyatt