Expecting with hope Book Review (Kregel Blog Tours)

Disclaimer: I was provided this book in exchange for honest review. All opinions are my own. No other compensation was provided.

I received Expecting with Hope in exchange for honest review from Kregel Blog Tours. I wanted to read the book because it touched me personally. The book was written by Teske Drake.

I had Brad Jr. in 2000. I did not get pregnant again until the ex and I separated in 2005. I was in pain for weeks. It took me longer to get around because of severe body pain. I thought it was my fibroids acting up. Toss in a few outbreaks, tummy aches, and headaches. I was done for. Pain medications was not working.

I went to the ER and found out I was pregnant. I lost the baby at 4 months. The pain won. I did not experience grief, at first,  because the pain was finally gone. Having the first miscarry was a horrible experience. I woke up in more pain, thought it was indigestion. The mucus plug dropped in the toilet, while I was hoping for a bowel movement. I went to the ER alone. The hospital staff was not helpful. I had to plead for them to change my sheets. Someone left the baby in a jar on the counter in my view. Even without glasses, I could see the jar and the fetus inside. I never wanted to experience another miscarriage again.

Grief came later. I got a letter in the mail from the OB/GYN. The letter was not needed. The letter told me the weight and other information about the baby, including the gender. I did not want a girl, but still I did not need to know after she passed.

Fast forward to 2009 and I found out I was pregnant. I was about 4 weeks along. Once again, I was in pain and went to the ER. The doctor told me I was at high risk for another miscarriage. I was devastated again. I lost the baby 3 days after finding out. I experienced grief immediately. I was in the hospital alone again. I never wanted to experience this pain again.

Kalen was my miracle baby. I found out I was pregnant about 5 months. I had got my annual woman check up a few months prior and I was told I was not pregnant. I was about 2 months along when I went. I went to the Bahamas, shortly after the check up, and drunk liquor. I don't remember my cycle stopping. I had no idea I was pregnant, until I felt some kicking pains. It was Kalen. I did not get insurance until 8 months. Medicaid moved so slow. I applied a few times before I was approved.

I am 30 years old, 5 months preggie, and no insurance. I went into hermit, more introverted mode. I did not want to be bothered. I didn't need the stress and I will kill someone, if I had to experience another miscarriage. Kalen came out healthy with 12 fingers. He also had a strange birthmark over his heart, which looked like a bullet, ricocheting out into a star pattern. I tied my tubes 30 days later. I hate labor and delivery, but I hate miscarriages more. I never want to experience the pain, the aloneness again. Miscarriages does something to your psyche.

I did this piece of artwork, when I was pregnant with Kalen. This is a memorial piece to my living kid and my kids, who never lived outside the womb. I did not know the sex of the second miscarry.

Book Review

The back of the book, first line, It takes a lot of courage to pick up this book. It takes a lot of courage to read and review this book. The book teaches about finding joy in pregnancy after a miscarry, a stillbirth, or infant loss.

I am not sure how I found my joy when I was pregnant with Kalen. I knew I did not want another miscarry. I did not have the mental capacity to handle another loss, which is why I am so protective of him now. Kalen has Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Global Development Delays, and Static Encephalopathy. Static Encephalopathy simply means breath holding spells.

When Kalen gets agitated, he goes into silent cries and then passes out. The disorder affects his brain and heart. He visits his neurologist and cardiologist every 6 months. If the frequency of attacks increase, Kalen will get another 24 hour holter. If they continue, he will have surgery to install a temporary, 3-year heart monitor, which has high risks.

I face fear and worry when it comes to him on a regular basis. He had a spell yesterday. His brother took something away from him. He came back to in seconds, but what if it was never.

The book discusses how God has a purpose in everything. I learned from the two miscarries, not to have sex with just any man. Just any man is not going to be there for you when you are going through something. I learned from miscarry #2 to have sex less. #2 helped start my journey into celibacy. I know that if my baby girl had lived, Kalen would not be born. I don't see myself with a houseful of kids, definitely not 4.

I also appreciate both of my kids more. Getting to do the things, I missed with Brad because I worked, I went to school, or when his father had primary custody for 5 years. I also had so much peace during pregnancy with Kalen because I did not bother with anyone. I was not having sex. I stayed at home.

One thing, which stood out the most was on page 27: You don't have to know what the future looks like because you can trust in the one who's ordained it. This requires faith and obedience to God.

You can purchase the book on Amazon in Paperback and kindle format. The paperback is prime-eligible. This week the book is on sale for 2.99 in Kindle format. The sale ends on Nov 9th, 2014 (Brad birthday)

I don't like you (but can't leave you alone) (my rambling post).

I had two instances, which stood out, where someone told me a group of people did not like me, for whatever reason. A few years ago, 2009, I had just had a miscarriage. My emotions was on a roller coaster. I was in post partum depression, but no one knew about it.  A man, (one-night stand) told me that everyone (one of the social groups I was in/am in) did not like me because I was too sexual (which I was). I was not sure what his intended effect was, but it hurt me more. Normally, this would not bother me because I am an introvert, but my emotions was already messed up. This man didn't know what I was going through mentally and physically, but he felt the need to instant message me. Like, I said, he was a one-night stand. We rarely communicated. The funny part was--at one of the next events--he felt the need to try to strike up a conversation with me and my guest. If you don't like me, leave me alone. Don't pretend when we are around mutual friends and/or family. Don't act like we are like this (++), when we are like this (___________) (That looks like a flat line, don't it :-))

Another incident happened either last year or the year before. A relative told me other relatives did not like me. Now, I am older, wiser, and will take less BS in my life. I am not going to let anyone talk to me any kind of way or do whatever, and not say something back. Yet, the same relatives, who do not like me, come to me, when they need money, computer help, tax help, or something printed out.

The introvert in me, never understood that. If I don't like someone--or Don't want to be bothered--I cut that relationship off. I delete numbers. I remove people from my social media friend lists. I leave them alone. I don't ask them for anything. I don't maintain contact. I don't feel comfortable contacting someone, who I don't like, for whatever reason. I don't like you, but I need you. I can always find someone, even on Craigslist, to complete the task/job/assignment.

For example, my niece, told me she don't want me watching my great niece--for some reason, which had nothing to do with me. Last year, my great-niece crawled down the hallway. Not sure, who was watching her. I was in my room, dealing with my kids, and didn't realize she was in the room, until she bumped her head. She bumped her head and broke a tooth. Some relatives are blaming me for this incident, but not the person, who was supposed to be watching her. I got special needs kids. During meltdown modes, I just don't notice everything. I am trying to calm a kid down. YET, every time I turn around, my great niece has crawled into my room to play OR someone, brings her in here. If you don't want me to watch her, then you will ensure that does not happen. If you don't like me, avoid me. We will be like this (<------- ------->). This is my rambling post. Thought about this for a while, but now I have written it down :-). Have a blessed night.

I want to date, go out, have a life, and not always involve the kids

Another rant from a special needs parent: Some things you may have heard before

I want to date, go  out, and have a life, and not always with the kids. I love my kids, yes I do, but some days, I need a break. I don't have babysitters because I do not trust too many people with my special ones. I don't know too many real-life people, who do not voice their diverse, irritating opinion about my babies.

1. Why does Brad act that way?
2. Brad just needs a whipping and his autism will go away?
3. You need to watch your kids 24 hours a day. You don't need sleep. Your kids are too bad.
4. I hope Kalen does not turn out like Brad. 
5. I hope Kalen will be the normal one
6. When you die, I am sending Brad back to his father and keeping Kalen. 
7. When is Brad going back to live with Brad Sr. 
8. I can't keep Brad because he not potty trained. He will pee on the couch (even wearing a pull-up). But Can I keep Kalen (who wears diapers)
9. If only you would, then Brad or Kalen would not ________________________
10. Put Brad on additional medications, which will make him a zombie or sleep all day, to make my life (not Stacie's) easier. 

I hear people, who want to date me, ask When do you get time for yourself? When do you get a break? The question is old. The question irritates me because my kids are with me most of the time. If I sleep, I have two kids in my bed. If I go to the bathroom, a kid or two is knocking on the door. Maybe, a kid is in his bouncer in the bathroom with me to protect him from his big brother.

There is a nursery and SPED class at church though, but still I check the pager consistently to see if the kids are acting up.

I don't want to have sex yet. I do not drink a lot. My life is about the kids. I just want time to think, to breathe, to socialize.

Then, you have to consider things have changed. I used to have one kid, who stayed with his father. I got him on some weekends. I did not get him all the time. Didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Didn't want Brad to feel unwelcome. I also did not feel I could offer Brad all he needs. Thought since he was a boy, his father could control, discipline, and teach him manly things.

Since I got Brad full-time again, in 2011, I learned Brad really did need me. Some things I have taught him, I wish I taught him before, like peeing and showering and brushing his teeth. If it wasn't for Kalen being born, I would never have appreciated Brad more. I had conflicting thoughts during the pregnancy. Could I love this child? Will he be special needs? When will I see Brad again? Will I have a full-term pregnancy? I also had thoughts about my first two miscarriages, which consumed me.

Eventually, I decided that I wanted a child, a boy child, who will live. I didn't care if he was 5 armed, 30 fingers, and green. I wanted my baby. I wanted my oldest son. I did not, never, ever, ever, want another miscarriage again. and after Kalen was born, I got fixed. I had a new appreciation for the unborn male child and my oldest child. Anything was better than another miscarry. Anything was better than losing a baby, legs propped up, in a hospital alone.

I love my kids. I am responsible for my kids. I will cuss and fuss and fight and kill for my chillens. Definitely a crazy parent, with anger and other un-diagnosed mental issues.