Friday, February 15, 2013

I want to date, go out, have a life, and not always involve the kids

Another rant from a special needs parent: Some things you may have heard before

I want to date, go  out, and have a life, and not always with the kids. I love my kids, yes I do, but some days, I need a break. I don't have babysitters because I do not trust too many people with my special ones. I don't know too many real-life people, who do not voice their diverse, irritating opinion about my babies.

  1. Why does Brad act that way?
  2. Brad just needs a whipping and his autism will go away?
  3. You need to watch your kids 24 hours a day. You don't need sleep. Your kids are too bad.
  4. I hope Kalen does not turn out like Brad. 
  5. I hope Kalen will be the normal one
  6. When you die, I am sending Brad back to his father and keeping Kalen. 
  7. When is Brad going back to live with Brad Sr. 
  8. I can't keep Brad because he not potty trained. He will pee on the couch (even wearing a pull-up). But Can I keep Kalen (who wears diapers)
  9. If only you would, then Brad or Kalen would not ________________________
  10. Put Brad on additional medications, which will make him a zombie or sleep all day, to make my life (not Stacie's) easier. 

I hear people, who want to date me, ask When do you get time for yourself? When do you get a break? The question is old. The question irritates me because my kids are with me most of the time. If I sleep, I have two kids in my bed. If I go to the bathroom, a kid or two is knocking on the door. Maybe, a kid is in his bouncer in the bathroom with me to protect him from his big brother.

There is a nursery and SPED class at church though, but still I check the pager consistently to see if the kids are acting up.

I don't want to have sex yet. I do not drink a lot. My life is about the kids. I just want time to think, to breathe, to socialize.

Then, you have to consider things have changed. I used to have one kid, who stayed with his father. I got him on some weekends. I did not get him all the time. Didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Didn't want Brad to feel unwelcome. I also did not feel I could offer Brad all he needs. Thought since he was a boy, his father could control, discipline, and teach him manly things.

Since I got Brad full-time again, in 2011, I learned Brad really did need me. Some things I have taught him, I wish I taught him before, like peeing and showering and brushing his teeth. If it wasn't for Kalen being born, I would never have appreciated Brad more. I had conflicting thoughts during the pregnancy. Could I love this child? Will he be special needs? When will I see Brad again? Will I have a full-term pregnancy? I also had thoughts about my first two miscarriages, which consumed me.

Eventually, I decided that I wanted a child, a boy child, who will live. I didn't care if he was 5 armed, 30 fingers, and green. I wanted my baby. I wanted my oldest son. I did not, never, ever, ever, want another miscarriage again. and after Kalen was born, I got fixed. I had a new appreciation for the unborn male child and my oldest child. Anything was better than another miscarry. Anything was better than losing a baby, legs propped up, in a hospital alone.

I love my kids. I am responsible for my kids. I will cuss and fuss and fight and kill for my chillens. Definitely a crazy parent, with anger and other un-diagnosed mental issues.

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