This is my life

I thought of this topic a few days ago. I was having a bad day with Mr.Meltdown and The Destructor. Definitely hard being a special needs parent at times. Toss in being irritated, cranky, and in pain (probably PMS now that I think about it) and I was ready to call it a day (and days).

I have to learn to accept this is my life and all that it encompasses. The meltdowns. The temper tantrums. The therapies. The constant picking up behind kids. The screaming. The hollering. The craziness.

So this is a list of things, which represent my life:

1. As soon as I clean, sweep, mop, carpet clean, some kid is going to spill something orange, red, or some other bright color on the floor or throw something on the floor, like cheerios, which will require me to clean some more. 
2. Melatonin has become part of my normal routine.
3. I will be happy to review any energy drinks, shots, or candies because some days I have zero energy. 
4. When I really want to sleep, some child is going to be cranky, irritated, sick, which will keep me up until I get them calmed down. 
5. I will not visit any churches unless they have a nursery and SPED program. 
6. Any help, when the kids are acting up, (within reason) will be appreciated. 
7. Going to a store or public outing, will be a challenge (Zoo, Schlitterbahn, San Antonio trips are coming up this year). San Antonio is fun. Megabus is fun. Riding public transportation (2 busses) with Brad is not fun. 
8. Some days I will not feel like getting up for therapy because I am tired, but I will push through it anyway. 
9. For a while, I will have to convince Brad to take his stinky butt a bath, using soap, (unless I do it myself) and then teach him how to dry off (unless I do it myself). I will also have a fight when it is time to brush his teeth or cut his hair (taking applications for a special needs barber). 
10. Kalen is a boob man. He will try to pull them out in the most inconvenient locations. 
11. Brad will be left with his grandma during Kalen's dr. appointments. 
12. Brad will somehow kick me while I am sleep. (Brad needs a bed ASAP). 
13. Kalen will only sleep in his crib when he extremely tired. 
14. IEP meetings are NO fun. 
15. Potty training is no fun. 
16. Some days I will be overprotective of my kids. Dont mess with Mama Bear. I have a violent side. I also cuss. 
17. Special needs parenting can (and is ) a lonely life. 
18. I can not take my kids everywhere. This is a fact. Some things I have to turn down, if you ask. I know my limits.
19. If you want to date me (yeah right, what's a date?), the kids must follow along. My family does not babysit. then, again, that may keep me strong on this celibacy path, or at least keep some fool from asking for sex on a date (that is, when i finally accept one). 
20. kiddie's father and relatives lives in GA. I live in Texas. 
21. Some days I lack patience and understanding
22. God is in control. Some days I don't understand why I was chosen for this role in life. I have to accept this is my life with both special needs kids, which dwell within this realm. Brad, aka Mr. meltdown, my wonderful, autistic, adhd son. Kalen, Mr. Destructor, my developmentally delayed (walking, talking, fine motor) child. 

This is my life. 

I took time off and regretted it

I took 5 years off from raising my oldest son and I regret it. I honestly thought his father would do a better job because Brad Sr was more stable (and he was). Brad had a full-time job and his own place. I was taking on part-time jobs, which did not conflict with school, and bounced around from place to place. I was barely there, seeing him sporadically on weekends and school holidays.

I did not know the names of his teachers. I missed all the first days of schools. I had no school pictures. I missed all the IEP meetings (did not help Brad sr. did not attend as well. Was so lost when I attended my first IEP meeting in 2011).

I was watching 20/20 last night and they was discussing the good and bad of parenting, mostly bad. They discussed how some mothers took time off (temporarily or for good) from raising their kids. The fathers did the raising. One mother wanted to focus on her career. She did not want to be a mother. She lives thousands of miles away from her kids, while the dad raises them. She communicated to them via skype, email, im, etc.

Another mother disappeared for years and years. She missed all the important stuff like graduation. The family filed a missing persons report. Some even thought she died. She showed up after the kids were grown and basically admitted she abandoned them.

I thought Kalen would give me a chance to start over. Do all the things I did not do with Brad jr. Improve my self as a mother. I was one of those people, who never thought about having kids and did not want kids. I didn't like watching or babysitting or dealing with anyone else's kids. I did not want to date anyone with kids. If Brad did not lie about having kids before I met him offline, I would have never met him. I thought we would start the parenting thing together, not already start with a pre-made family. At that time, I think his oldest was about 10 and the youngest was a few months. The step kids was ok, but I did not try to develop a relationship with them. I was not ready to parent or step parent anything at that age. I found out about his kids a few months before we got married. I could have left him then, but my options for a better living situation was limited. Either try to work it out with Sr and his kids (Brad jr was not born at this time) OR move back to Texas with my crazy relatives. I did not like either, but I stayed with the relationship, got married, and got pregnant on my honeymoon with Brad Jr. yay me.

I turned down two good men (Eric in Macon, and Eugene in Virginia), who I met online before Mr. Colquitt, because they had a child. An 18 year old had no business raising a child, especially when she had limited life experience. Eric was one fine, bald, muscular, Caucasian Male.

When I was pregnant, Brad stayed with his father in Georgia, while I was here in Texas. I was not expecting Brad to show up. I think during pregnancy, I realized how much I missed my oldest son. I definitely felt the regret after he came to live here. Some things I could have taught him better than his father. Now, I could be a better parent to both my monkeys.

I think I became a better parent in my 30's. Those first 10 or so years were a test. I am still learning and still being tested. Every meltdown is a test. Every scream, every NO, every dirty pull-up I have to change. Every session of therapy. Every mess. Every time I look at the pager in church and hope it does not say "Please come now" instead of "Ready". Every trip to a public place, like the zoo. Every time I need to go to the bathroom and can't because I can't leave both kids alone together. Every time I have to watch another repeat episode of SpongeBob or that show with Charlie. I'm not there yet, but I'm not taking any more physical time off. Mentally, on the other hand, I need a break.

I gave you my name (and that is enough)

I was watching some show on BET late last nite. I don't know the name of the show, but it had Jackee Harry, RonReaco Lee, and some characters named Kita and Stacey. I am not a fan of BET but the show seemed interesting. Anyway, some male character was upset his father was bonding more with another male character. Male 2 also got a crown royal bag, which meant the person had significance to the father. Male 1 was jealous ( I guess) and wondered why his father didn't tell him the stories told to Male 2. The father said the stories were lies. Male 1 also asked about why he never received crown royal bag. The father said he gave Male 1 something more important--his name.

Is having your father's last name enough?

If you have his name, does that mean he does not have to do anything else, like bonding and spending time with you?

My mother's ex is the same way. Willie Charles is a pain in my side. Unfortunately, his current wife put him out (for good reasons) and he came to live with his ex wife, their kids, and grandkids--hence becoming a bigger pain in my side. We got into an argument last nite because I think he needed attention. My kids have in-home therapies 2 to 4 days per week. Brad has in-home speech twice per week. Kalen has Early childhood intervention (twice a month now, going to four times a month starting in June) and physical therapy (twice a month). He also will get occupational therapy later on this year.

I went downstairs to clean up the kitchen area, in addition to prepping and cooking some food in the crock pot. This was after 9pm at night. I also hoped to work in peace, since the kitchen was horrific. As soon as I started washing dishes and cleaning counters, here this pest comes. This man wants to fuss because Brad jr. drunk up most of his coke. Keep in mind, WC, my son, nephew, sister, etc been drinking this two gallon coke for most of the night. I don't buy Brad caffeine products because being more hyper on top of ADHD is not fun for me :-). WC tells me I need to discipline my son more for drinking his coke. I assume he also been drinking because a big bottle of brandy was empty. I, in good nature, cussed his ass out. Probably not the best thing to do, but I was trying to get a head start on cleaning and cooking, and not trying to fuss over dollar or two dollar soda. Anyway, got that out the way, so back to the power of the name.

Willie Charles feels that since Stacie, Rachel, and Nikala has his last name, that gives him power and control. That gives him a lineage. That gives him the right to discipline all the kids, grands, and great-grands without parental permission. That gives him the right to be a bigger pain in my side. Oh yeah, he said I am out of his will (I don't want anyone's money or anything else, if I have to put him with drama and BS). Oh, Im not allowed to ask him for money (ummmm, I don't. Stay-at-home parents--we do have a source of income, sometimes multiple sources of income). Besides, he too broke and drink too much to even contemplate a will.

I, on the other hand, don't feel that way. A last name is nothing more than a last name. My mother was not married to my father when she had me and Rachel. She could have easily given us Amerson and Willie C will still be the biological father. My kids have the same father, but they have two different last names. Brad L. Colquitt Jr. and Kalen Wyatt. Why you ask? I was married to their father when Brad was born. Brad Sr was there for the birth and all that good stuff.  When I got pregnant with Kalen, we had separated, but still continued to have bad sex with each other. He denied Kalen, so Kalen has my last name (I never changed it to Colquitt). Good father to one child. Not a father to the other child.

I feel men (and women) need to do more than give a last name. How about instilling the Love of God? Taking kids to church. How about spending quality time with the kids? Bonding? Getting to know them? How about not hitting or beating the wife, girlfriend, or kids? or assuming a whipping will solve each and every discipline issue (which does not work with special needs kids, by the way). How about love, maybe a little like, and some respect? or not provoking a 33, year old, Black woman, who is slightly off, who will cuss you out, who has a violent side, and has to deal with all sorts of frustrations daily, to anger for stupid, stupid, dumb, reasons, especially while she has a bucket of scented bleach near by?

What I have learned as a child (and as a parent) is that kids see what you do. They learn from what you do and don't do, despite a last name. If you are a good parent, the kids will notice. If you are a ok parents, the kids will notice. If you are a bad parent, the kids will notice. They notice how you treat their other parent. They notice how you treat them. They notice the things you do (like smoking, drinking, staying out all night, not attending events). The attitudes and behaviors towards that parent will also continue into adulthood. Some men, like WC, will claim that the other parent has turned you against them, but it is not always the case. The kids saw.