Monday, May 27, 2013

I gave you my name (and that is enough)

I was watching some show on BET late last nite. I don't know the name of the show, but it had Jackee Harry, RonReaco Lee, and some characters named Kita and Stacey. I am not a fan of BET but the show seemed interesting. Anyway, some male character was upset his father was bonding more with another male character. Male 2 also got a crown royal bag, which meant the person had significance to the father. Male 1 was jealous ( I guess) and wondered why his father didn't tell him the stories told to Male 2. The father said the stories were lies. Male 1 also asked about why he never received crown royal bag. The father said he gave Male 1 something more important--his name.

Is having your father's last name enough?

If you have his name, does that mean he does not have to do anything else, like bonding and spending time with you?

My mother's ex is the same way. Willie Charles is a pain in my side. Unfortunately, his current wife put him out (for good reasons) and he came to live with his ex wife, their kids, and grandkids--hence becoming a bigger pain in my side. We got into an argument last nite because I think he needed attention. My kids have in-home therapies 2 to 4 days per week. Brad has in-home speech twice per week. Kalen has Early childhood intervention (twice a month now, going to four times a month starting in June) and physical therapy (twice a month). He also will get occupational therapy later on this year.

I went downstairs to clean up the kitchen area, in addition to prepping and cooking some food in the crock pot. This was after 9pm at night. I also hoped to work in peace, since the kitchen was horrific. As soon as I started washing dishes and cleaning counters, here this pest comes. This man wants to fuss because Brad jr. drunk up most of his coke. Keep in mind, WC, my son, nephew, sister, etc been drinking this two gallon coke for most of the night. I don't buy Brad caffeine products because being more hyper on top of ADHD is not fun for me :-). WC tells me I need to discipline my son more for drinking his coke. I assume he also been drinking because a big bottle of brandy was empty. I, in good nature, cussed his ass out. Probably not the best thing to do, but I was trying to get a head start on cleaning and cooking, and not trying to fuss over dollar or two dollar soda. Anyway, got that out the way, so back to the power of the name.

Willie Charles feels that since Stacie, Rachel, and Nikala has his last name, that gives him power and control. That gives him a lineage. That gives him the right to discipline all the kids, grands, and great-grands without parental permission. That gives him the right to be a bigger pain in my side. Oh yeah, he said I am out of his will (I don't want anyone's money or anything else, if I have to put him with drama and BS). Oh, Im not allowed to ask him for money (ummmm, I don't. Stay-at-home parents--we do have a source of income, sometimes multiple sources of income). Besides, he too broke and drink too much to even contemplate a will.

I, on the other hand, don't feel that way. A last name is nothing more than a last name. My mother was not married to my father when she had me and Rachel. She could have easily given us Amerson and Willie C will still be the biological father. My kids have the same father, but they have two different last names. Brad L. Colquitt Jr. and Kalen Wyatt. Why you ask? I was married to their father when Brad was born. Brad Sr was there for the birth and all that good stuff.  When I got pregnant with Kalen, we had separated, but still continued to have bad sex with each other. He denied Kalen, so Kalen has my last name (I never changed it to Colquitt). Good father to one child. Not a father to the other child.

I feel men (and women) need to do more than give a last name. How about instilling the Love of God? Taking kids to church. How about spending quality time with the kids? Bonding? Getting to know them? How about not hitting or beating the wife, girlfriend, or kids? or assuming a whipping will solve each and every discipline issue (which does not work with special needs kids, by the way). How about love, maybe a little like, and some respect? or not provoking a 33, year old, Black woman, who is slightly off, who will cuss you out, who has a violent side, and has to deal with all sorts of frustrations daily, to anger for stupid, stupid, dumb, reasons, especially while she has a bucket of scented bleach near by?

What I have learned as a child (and as a parent) is that kids see what you do. They learn from what you do and don't do, despite a last name. If you are a good parent, the kids will notice. If you are a ok parents, the kids will notice. If you are a bad parent, the kids will notice. They notice how you treat their other parent. They notice how you treat them. They notice the things you do (like smoking, drinking, staying out all night, not attending events). The attitudes and behaviors towards that parent will also continue into adulthood. Some men, like WC, will claim that the other parent has turned you against them, but it is not always the case. The kids saw.


  1. I can identify with the "last name debate". As a child, all I had from my father was his last name. I did not like NOT having the same last name as my mother.

    I was all too eager to change my last name to my husband's because it has much more significance to me than having someone's name who was never around.

    Now, my daughter from a previous relationship still has my maiden last name while me, my husband, his daughter, and our son all have the same last name.

    I fear that she will grow to resent that and I am hoping to be able to change her last name in the near future. But I also wonder if it really even makes a difference.

    ANYWAY. Thanks for this post, I found the link to your blog on the Ultimate Blog Party. You can find me at

    nice to meet you :)

  2. Ty for responding. I subscribed to your blog. I don't like having the last name Wyatt. I would changed it to my former married name, but the license never made it to the DMV. My ex was being a butt-hole, and I tore up the document.


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