6 months

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It has been officially 6 months, since the kids have been in a school setting. March 6, they was supposed to leave Friday for Spring Break and return within a week. I was happy because for the first time, since I was a kid, my birthday (March 19) did not fall on Spring Break. I didn't know how I would celebrate, maybe I could convince my mother to take me out to eat that week, but I was going to celebrate my 40th, somehow. 

I didn't expect 6 months of nonsense and bullshit to follow. My oldest's behavior started escalating, the day, he realized, he was supposed to go back to school. My youngest's night owl side came out more. By the time, one kid goes to sleep, it would be soon before the other child woke up (and who knew which time, my oldest would wake up, but when he woke up, he definitely let everyone know. It has gotten so bad, I am paranoid and filled with anxiety, when I wake up, in the middle of the night, before he does, because he can sense when I am woke, and the drama begins. I am lonely. I am depressed. I can't live, like this, for another 6 months. I spend most of my mornings, trying to calm Brad down and still have to remember to log in to Kalen's school for attendance plus do an assignment. 

My life is pathetic. Who wants to wake up to a kid, destroying their home and furniture? Who wants to hide all their can goods, sharps, and pantry items, in the closet versus the kitchen? Who wants to constantly beg to God for all of this stop? the hitting and kicking of walls, doors, ceilings, and windows; the waking up at all hours of the night; the worrying about if my lease will be renewed in a few months; a child hellbent on destroying what little we have.  I know people don't want to hear all this but I need to vent somewhere. I have definitely drunk more wine coolers and other liquor, plus a lot of snacks, during this mess. Cried too many tears daily and I hate crying.

Fuck this shit. I am exhausted. I am burnt out. I am mentally drained. I have looked into group home again, but no one wants to touch Autism. I have looked into hospitals for stabilization, but none want to touch Autism. So what in the fuck am I supposed to do? I know God is in the works somewhere. In his timing, things will work out one day, hopefully, but his timing is not bringing me complete peace, right now. I need relief. I need sleep. I need a break, other than grocery and pharmacy runs. My mother has started taking me out to eat more to get me out of this house. I can do so much more if the kids left the house: closet needs organization; clothes need organization; books need organization; kitchen pantry needs organization; under my bed needs organization; 

Only thing, which works, is 

In 6 months, I have experienced: 

• I have learned how to make a simple cheese using dry buttermilk powder and lemon juice. The video used regular milk/buttermilk but I can't keep regular liquid milk in the house because one of my kids will pour it down the drain. 
• I been working on de-cluttering, my house, slowly. I got rid of a lot of kitchen utensils and jars, I do not use; some old clothes (still got a ways to go on clothes); and other random household stuff. I re-organized the living room. I cleaned off a lot of junk off my desk area. I organized my spare cords bin. I made small progress in the closet. I removed a lot of junk from under the bed. 
• My niece helped me make homemade ice cream. I bought the ingredients but she took over. It tasted good. It was a cookie butter cheese cake recipe. 
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• I have made a stress putty, based on a video, I saw on Youtube. 
• I fixed my first big hole in the wall with sheet rock versus a patch. Thank you Rodney. 
• I fixed another small hole without any patches, to see if I could do it, based on a Youtube Video.
• Someone helped me out, big time, by telling me how to get my portable dryer to work again for a little while.  

• Brad broke the plug by pulling the dryer from the wall, last year. (belt keeps falling off now. Ms. Williams told me that the dryer would still work without the ground plug. It did. I definitely prayed before I used the dryer, just to be on the safe side. The person, who fixed the plug eventually, told me to watch videos on Youtube to learn how to put the belt back on. )

• Someone helped me get a portable washer. I had to outsource all of my laundry to my niece. My kids don't behave well, walking to and from the laundry rooms. Last time, I tried, Brad tried to run off, while Kalen refused to move off the ground, when I was trying to take the loads back into the house. 
• I made Kalen, a play stove (well multiple play stoves, along with a cabinet and fridge) because he kept breaking the ones, I got from Amazon. He has since upgraded by ordering, without a single person's permission,  a Step 2 big kitchen set, using both a gift card, I won from a social media conference, and my mama's credit card. 
• Even though I wasn't sure about keeping or returning it, Kalen definitely needed it versus just a stove. His skill set and words has improved. He does think the microwave is a fridge (we don't have a microwave because of Brad's lack of safety skills) and the Keurig (yep, it has a Keurig built-in) is an ice maker (no clue where he saw an ice maker at). The pods are ice. 
• He  pulled out all the food and accessories from all 4 stove/kitchen sets and applied them to the big set. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• My basic bread recipe also works as a tortilla too. I probably wont make them again, for a while, because it takes too long to roll out and individually cook. 

 

 But I have also experienced;

• Brad putting new holes in the wall. What pissed me off more was someone helped me fix four holes, in the walls, with sheet rock versus patches. Brad put new holes in the walls, including 2 in the new sheet rock. 
• Brad started back sitting in my bed, and eventually laying in my bed. I do not want him in my bed because he breaks beds: frames and mattresses. I like my mattress. I like my frame (got a heavy duty, platform bed, with rounded corners, years ago). Brad can break my bunkie board though. I did catch him jumping in my bed, one day. No slats means no support. I do not want my bed directly on the floor. 
• Brad waking up between 2 am to 7 am, in the mornings. He goes straight from waking up to either the bathroom to pee OR to the door, windows, and walls to hit and kick. 
• The stove hood has been knocked down, partially, and I had to re-screw it back in place, multiple times. One of the last times, it hit me in the head, while I was trying to hold it up and screw in a back screw. 
• I had to flip all my sofas over to keep Brad from standing on them to hit the ceiling. 

• Brad broke his iPad, his teacher gave him as a graduation gift. Brad broke a sofa plus a few chairs. Brad knocked some of the texture off the ceiling. I tried experimenting with popcorn texture to fix it, but haven't got the hang of it yet. 
• Kalen broke the TV. Of course, Brad now wants to play his game (Vtech Innotv) that he barely played all year. 
• Kalen wants to stay up all night, despite Melatonin in his system. Baths and lavender lotion also works. I took a break from the baths and lotion, after he got his heart monitor removed, earlier this year, but haven't got the routine back yet. He was unable to take a bath for a week or two, but I could wipe him down. 
• One of the kids broke my crock pot bowl. 
• Kalen broke my laptop, I just got in September. He cracked the screen, making it lose its touch screen capabilities, then started removing keys. Had to wait weeks until Best Buy and Geek Squad opened to invoke the power of the warranty. Had to wait another few weeks for repair and the text, which said pc cant be repaired. Get a new pc. 

• Had to use my old pc until the newer one got repaired. HP #1 sucks but it definitely let me still talk to people and do reviews, when it wasn't crashing. 

• Brad broke my phone. Felt sorry for him since he had no TV and no Ipad. He bent the pins within two weeks. Luckily, a friend sent me some money and I was able to get a new phone. 
• Brad broke my dining table, I was going to use for speech therapy and in-home appointments with coordinators (I really wanted a nice table and chairs, which didn't come from the dumpster, but can't have that either). 
• Brad put holes in the back of the dresser, I moved their winter clothes to. 

I wish I had the funds to get some land and a tiny house. I wish-listed a few on Amazon. I would make a few modifications but having my own place without worrying about if the lease will be renewed because of Brad's behavior, would help a lot. The house below is one of my favorites. I would make the living room smaller and incorporate a bigger, walk-in closet for clothes, pantry items, and tools. The master bedroom would also have a door to the bathroom. I also thought about turning the other bedroom into a sensory room with rubber walls. No popcorn ceilings. Heavy duty doors. Brick walls. Side by side fridge. No dishwasher. Fenced in front and back yard so they can run and play.