Death and Life

Wrote this in church on Sunday, after the sermon. The assistant pastor was discussing how he lost a child, which made me cry. I had two miscarries, which affected me deeply, so I understood his lost. Pastor O also discussed how people should rejoice in their lost. Thank the Lord, no matter what they are going through. Look for the good in the bad.
Some days I want kids, who are fully potty trained and an speak a bunch of words. I want to know what they are thinking and I don’t have to deal with major meltdowns and medications. Definitely no seizures. I want my kids to have friends, and not be excluded.


Yet, I can give thanks to God because it could have been worse. Brad could have died on the table at birth because the placenta got caught in his lungs, but God pulled him through. My grandma died the day before Brad was born (November 8, 2000). My great grandma died months before (May, 2000). Maybe he could have been seriously injured after having multiple seizures. Kalen could have had the same thing happen during his petit mal seizures.


I don’t know if my kids will ever deal with drugs, alcohol, or sex. I don’t know if my kids will ever date, get married, have girlfriends, go out on dates, or have kids.
I also have to think once again about the miscarries. I never planned on having kids. If I did, I only wanted two or three. If my two miscarries did not happen, Kalen might not have been here, but since they died, I do have a greater appreciation of both Kalen and Brad. I still hate labor and delivery. I am still not naturally maternal. I love my kids more. Thankful for them more. Appreciate them more. More protective of them more. Through death, it brings life. It brought me my youngest son and it also brought life to me.