Thursday, February 7, 2013

I need my sanity, no matter how much is left

The other day, the kids were driving me nuts. Brad and Kalen was off the wall. My daddy was visiting too. His wife put him out again because they was fighting. He came over here, with liquor in tow. I wanted to sip the liquor but resisted temptation. For some reason, by accident, I knocked over and broke the bottle of Brandy (don't drink it anyway) and still have not touched the boxed wine in the fridge. After having a small convo with Dementia (my middle sis), I never want to drink or do anything stupid enough, when my kids (and great niece or nephew) drives me up the wall. She came upstairs with a bottle of whatever, saying the kids are driving her to drink. She had not kept a kid all day (not even her grand), but the kids driving her to drink. She also checking into a hotel for a week (even though she has a daughter and grand). I like my kids, I love my kids, but I don't want to waste money to do bad things to release stress. I think i got some chocolate somewhere though.

This morning has been hectic. I had all three kiddies (two sons and great niece). I got the great niece because I heard her crying and went to check on her. She was about to flip out of her bed. Her grandma was sleep. My mother was gone. So, I got her and put her in Kalen's Crib. I also had to clean and prepare self for two meetings, back to back. 11:00 was Brad's science meeting for home school. They are preparing for the STARR testing next month. Then at 1230 was speech therapy. I got up about 8 am and the kids woke up after. 

Brad was screaming for part of the morning and Im not sure why. I put it on Sesame Street on the DVD player, when he wanted SpongeBob. Frankly, I am tired of the Yellow Blob, after watching a marathon yesterday. He needed something educational. I cut it on SS and he turned off the DVD player. I found a few other shows on Amazon. Same result, he turned off the DVD player and/or the movie. I told him I am not dealing with him anymore. Either he watches a good show or he can watch something similar on regular cable in the room. He was screaming, hollering, beating windows, mirrors, and slamming doors. He needs to learn he can not get his own way. 

On top of this, Kalen and Sariyah are having their baby fits. They are hungry, tired, need to be changed.  I had to move them into the game room. Let them let off a little energy. 

So, I have a reason, no justification, maybe rationalization, a little projection-- to drink, smoke, go out and have sex with random guys, but I chose not to. Once I do those destructive behaviors, I still have to come home to a house with crazy kids and crazy relatives. Same problems, temporary release, but nothing really has changed, until I change. I can not always  run from problems. Spending needed money on really,stupid things. Bills still must get paid. Children still need a mother and caregiver. and As the most sane person in this house (no matter how crazy I am), I need all my faculties to deal with einy, miney, and sometimes curly and moe. 

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Please leave a comment. Thank you. Stacie