Thoughts about miscarriage

There is nothing worse than going through a miscarriage alone. I have had two before: July 2005 and May 2009. A miscarriage takes a mental toll on a person. Multiple miscarries causes serious emotional turmoil. If all my kids had lived, (and I did not have a tubal ligation), their ages would be:

1. Brad, 11 years old
2. Baby Girl, 6 years old
3. Unknown Gender, 2 years old
4. Kalen-15 months

Miscarriages definitely changed how I felt about men and sex. Both times, I was in the hospital alone. No one but God and myself, and the medical staff. No one to sit with me. No one to hold my hand. Losing a precious life, alone with my thoughts. Unpretty thoughts. Anger, Hurt, Pain, Depression. Confusion. Shame. Regrets. 

My last miscarriage helped pave my celibate/abstinent path. I have little to no sexual desire, most of the time now. I don't care to date or have sex anytime soon. Not sure when I will be ready, but I am so not feeling it now. 

I don't know why my former miscarries came to mind before I wrote this. but I had to write some feelings down. I did write a story about it: Miscarried. The book is on Lulu and on Amazon (under Conversations).