Come on over to my side

Come on over to my side was the message preached in church on Sunday. I attend Fallbrook Church, pastored by Mike Pender. During each message, I think of ways I can apply the sermon to my life. Come on over to my side applied to my celibacy journey.

The pastor discussed how people don't want to make sacrifices for their walk. People still want to party, drink, have sex. Basically, lead a hedonistic lifestyle. Our lives are filled with unlimited indulgence, which takes priority over God. Yet, our fleshly cravings are temporal, meaningless. We are still lonely, empty, and our hearts may be hardened.

Sex used to be satisfying to me, but I developed an addiction for more. More men, more toys, more masturbation, more toys. I wanted more and I got more. The more I got, the less emotions I put towards me. I didn't care about them, no more than they cared about me. Sex was a short-time pleasure. I had more one-night stands than repeats. I didnt care about them-men was just a penis to me. Yet I was still lonely, still empty inside. My heart hardened more towards men folks (and I still have issues, I am working out.)

The pastor discussed how fun was fleeting, temporary. If we live our lives for fun, we will have trouble. We can not depend on fun to be satisfied in the Lord. Nothing will bring us happiness, like God can. If we give ourselves to want and pleasure, it causes death, even while living. I was dead inside. I cared more about the next orgasm, the next toy, the next penis, than I did the man.

People are exhausted. We use temporary pleasures to relieve pain, but the pain is still there. I had sex for fun, for pleasure, for attention, for a place to stay, for money, for love, to relieve boredom, etc. but all that sex with all those men was not good for me in the long run. It hurts to think about my sex count or some of the bad experiences. For example, I used to stay in the projects. After 11 pm, the family I was staying with, locked the screen doors. If I was not coming home from work or school, I sometimes could not get in the house. Anyway, this dude wanted to have sex. I said yes. Told him, I would have to spend the night because I may not get back in my house. He said cool. Turns out, he had to go to work at 3 am. I had to wait in the dark, at the nearest train station, from 3 something to 445, to catch a train to get home. I was scared and I deleted his number. Situations like this made me despise men, in general more (not all men, just some). Yet, i started having sex more during the mornings and afternoons, instead of nites. Nights were reserved for long-time repeat fucks, who wouldnt try to leave me stranded or in similar situations. Men, I trusted more. I was a mess.

Currently, I have been celibate for almost 2 years. I have not watched porn in almost a year. I still struggle with sexual thoughts and masturbation (but not as much as I used to ). I am also taking a purity course for porn addiction. I want to be better, get better, and grow in the Lord.