Sunday, August 12, 2012

Alumni day @fallbrookchurch. Kids away in their classes. I need this much needed break.Church my 5 minutes of sanity, at least while im in main and s.s.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Thoughts about miscarriage

There is nothing worse than going through a miscarriage alone. I have had two before: July 2005 and May 2009. A miscarriage takes a mental toll on a person. Multiple miscarries causes serious emotional turmoil. If all my kids had lived, (and I did not have a tubal ligation), their ages would be:

Brad, 11 years old
Baby Girl, 6 years old
Unknown Gender, 2 years old
Kalen-15 months

Miscarriages definitely changed how I felt about men and sex. Both times, I was in the hospital alone. No one but God and myself, and the medical staff. No one to sit with me. No one to hold my hand. Losing a precious life, alone with my thoughts. Unpretty thoughts. Anger, Hurt, Pain, Depression. Confusion. Shame. Regrets.

My last miscarriage helped pave my celibate/abstinent path. I have little to no sexual desire, most of the time now. I don't care to date or have sex anytime soon. Not sure when I will be ready, but I am so not feeling it now.

I don't know why my former miscarries came to mind before I wrote this. but I had to write some feelings down. I did write a story about it: Miscarried. The book is on Lulu and on Amazon (under Conversations).

Monday, August 6, 2012

Big Brother versus Little Brother

August 6, 2012

My oldest child has gotten more on my nerves this past weekend. Brad keeps harassing his brother—biting his feet; picking him up and trying to toss Kalen on the floor; taking Kalen’s toys from him; and waking Kalen out of his sleep. Kalen cannot do squat without Brad messing with him. Even when crawling, Brad tries to block Kalen from moving around. I do not know what is going on. Is it the medication? Is it sibling rivalry? Does he dislike his brother? Whatever it is, it is getting on my last and first nerve. If he wants to torture others, I have plenty of relatives for him to beat up. I can buy a punching bag or a Boppo toy. I can enroll him in anger management, but do not torture little brother, more than necessary.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Smart Women's Institute

I signed up as an affiliate for Smart Women's institute. The website is free to sign up. Great Resources.

Stacie

Entrepreneurial Women Will Change the World!
Discover how to live in your passions while growing a world changing business.{affiliate link}

Smart Women Institute

Friday, July 27, 2012

Kalen and my glasses

Kalen has developed a fascination with my glasses. He wants to pull them off all the time. Mama need to see., but Kalen not having that lol

Thursday, July 19, 2012

7/19/12 1:47 p.m.

7/19/2012 1:47 PM

Day 1, Patch 1 of DayTrana. Within the first five minutes, Brad removed the patch. Took me 10 minutes to find it and I placed the patch in a different location. He found the new location within 30 minutes. I also gave him his Risperdal to control his behavior. I still had to deal with meltdowns today though. He had one because he was hungry, but I was trying to feed Kalen and Sariyah (my great-niece), so he had to wait. When I did finally start fixing him some food, he had another meltdown because Brad wanted the food to be cooked faster. Food got done. Fixed his plate. Got upstairs and he has another meltdown because he can not find his remote. To top it off, my mother has been getting on my last nerves about that lost patch and wants me to put another one on. One patch per day is what the instructions say. I am not going to keep medicating him on top of medicating him so that others don’t have to deal with him. Fuck that damn patch. If she wants him to have it, then she can look for a thin, clear patch on these nasty floors. The patch is all she been talking about for the past few hours. I am tired. I already hate giving him medication because I do not see good results and it has been three months.

People do not seem to realize my life is not all about them. I have kids, school, and church. I have things I want to do, but cannot, because I do not have a ride or I do not know how Brad will react. At times, I feel people feel Brad is an inconvenience. Like I told them before, I can get a job, get my own place, and go back to seeing relatives once a year. Out of sight, out of mind. My relatives can watch my kids grow up via Facebook, Twitter, and Blogger.

DayTrana Day 1 Patch 1

Yesterday, Brad has his 3^rd psychiatrist appointment. Brad has been more aggressive within the last month. He pushed his brother down a half-flight of steps. He also tried to hit his brother with a stick. I am just tired of the aggression. I am afraid he will seriously hurt Kalen. The doctor kept him on the Risperdal and added DayTrana. Took 10 pharmacies to fill this prescription. Either they was out of one or out of both. Walgreens # 3 was the final stop and they had both. I do not know if these DayTrana Patches will work, but this will be a long 30 days.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Need a break

Some days I want to scream, holler, and I need a break. Raising two children, who require constant attention, in addition to attending graduate school, requires a lot of patience, understanding, and maintaining my temper. Some days I want to snap in two, dealing with both boys and trying to complete schoolwork. Oh yeah I still have to deal with the other relatives, who live here (mother, niece, great niece, uncle, the occasional nephew, and the rest, who show up). My only break is at church, provided my children act right and the early childhood department does not find or page me. Other than that, where I go, the kids go. If I go to the potty, there is a high chance, Brad will knock on the door or come in, if I forget to lock the door. At other times, Kalen (and/or my great niece) is in their rockers, while I bathe, because I do not want Brad to mess with them, while I take a quick shower.

These children, school, church, and internet are my only sources of entertainment. I do not date, smoke, or have sex (by choice). I only had 2 samples of free liquor at HEB within the past year. I just want to find a place to scream, to get a release, without going more crazier than I am right now.

The Joys of an Autistic Mom.

Stacie D. Wyatt